My common thread with the regret and love of Orpheus

reflections on doing things differently, avoiding love at all costs and growing up. It literally all happened so fast

I thought about Orpheus all day today. The thought of him steeped in more at my 2 am bout of insomnia, so I reread the myth. I don’t know if it was the lack of sleep or the general existential dread but I found new meaning. 

I know the tragedy of it. The sadness of watching Eurydice drift into the underworld. The unbearable suffering Orpheus felt in his life after he looked back. The myth is about loss and grief. A love story that in my opinion, shows us more about humanity than Adam and Eve. But as a woman in her mid-30s watching her life go by, sleepless and unsure of every decision she’s ever made— I realized, it's about regret too. It didn’t help me sleep.

Somewhere down the road, I fear I’ve done things wrong. 

I am always riddled with embarrassment and guilt seeing women in the media portrayed in their mid to late 20s who can't seem to get it together. As if not having a stable job,  a bright future, and the love of your life by 28 means it will never happen. It only deepens my self-awareness and self judgment, that I’m too old to be this lost and too young to regret this much.  

I don't remember when everyone grew up. When all my friends got on a boat to marriage, homes, children and careers and I stayed behind to watch our younger selves on the sand. 

At least they waved goodbye as they left. Holding up signs saying they loved me and I waved back knowing that they do. But the harsh reality of being a childless woman, vulnerably hopeful for love and a family is that—the love from friends who have both can begin to feel distant. Not gone, just different, even if you don’t want it to be. 

I just thought we were all gonna stay 24 forever. 

Isn’t that the secret promise you make to each other? Drunk on someone's balcony. Telling each other about a future that seemed so far away. 

I just thought I had more time. 

When did it speed up? Why did Orpheus look back?

There is a sweet bitterness to life. I am grateful to grow older, to learn more, yet I wish I would've done some things differently. I’m not supposed to admit that. I’m supposed to say I don’t regret anything, that all my mistakes led me to be who I am. It's a nice sentiment but it's not always the truth.  

I’ve been asked by several women much younger than me if I have any advice to share with them. I never know how to answer that question, mostly because I didn’t know I was old enough to be asked. I just repeat what I’ve always heard from others-- “Relax. You’re always where you’re supposed to be”. In an esoteric, spiritual, LA way- there is truth to that but it’s never helpful and it’s not advice.

But after my introspective night with Orpheus, I did think about the question more deeply and there is one piece of advice I would give. One that I wish I followed. 

If you want to learn how to love, keep doing it, no matter how much you get hurt because if you don’t, you will realize at my age you don’t know how to. 

Don’t get me wrong. There are parts of me that I hold onto. Parts that I love. As a black woman in a world where I am supposed to hate myself, I have learned to do the opposite. I’ve made wonderful memories with great friends. I worked hard to keep pushing myself creatively. I get smarter every year.  But I am regretful that I did not do the one thing that made Orpheus’ character worthy of admiration. I didn’t risk anything for love. 

I never allowed myself to feel the pull that led him to venture into scary places just to find the warmth he felt in Eurydice. Instead, I avoided it at all costs. 

I would tell anyone who asked me now to be braver than I was. I would tell them that trying to save yourself from getting hurt only stretches out the pain. That being the cool girl still won't get you a text back so you might as well say whatever feels true to who you are, even if they’ll think you’re crazy. That no matter how suffocating loving again feels, standing still is worse. I would say, love like whatever thing it was that made Orpheus look back. To love like the version of him who didn’t lose love yet. 

I didn't take enough risks. I wallowed in my own self-pity. I let men treat me how they wanted until I closed off anything that could make intimacy beautiful. I rejected how badly I wanted to be loved because I thought it made me pathetic. For a long time I let my career convince me it was the only thing worth trying for and so I invited nothing in that could equal pain. 

I turned into the lonely version of Orpheus who played his lyre until the monsters swallowed him whole. 

I used to think he looked back because he was stubborn or impatient, or didn’t know how to trust. But now I realize it’s because he loved her so much. Whether you believe he was mad or in fear or just stupid, the root of it all was love. Fear he would lose her again, because he loved her, mad because he loved her, stupid because he loved her. That kind of loving devotion made him brave enough, stupid enough, and insane enough to visit the underworld just to have one last glimpse at Eurydice. No matter how it ended.

I have a friend who didn’t live by my code and risked so much for love. She uprooted her life and moved on several occasions, cried endlessly over things ending, and found herself in relationships with men who didn’t deserve her. I used to think she was ridiculous for continuing to put herself out there. What kind of person would willingly keep dating after such horrible experiences? Why keep venturing into the underworld? 

Now I see the beauty of it. The sheer madness and bravery it takes to let your heart heal knowing it can break again. She learned so much about herself and I know that my avoidance halted that for me. Stopped me from becoming a better version of myself. One I'm now learning to be. 

It’s faint but I can see the side of this that feels bright and easy. It’s the side I wish Orpheus could’ve seen before he met his end. 

I know your 30s are far from life being over but I feel I'm learning lessons that could’ve made for a better future 8 years ago and that's a hard pill to swallow. 

I'm getting by though. It is true—every day is a chance to start over and lessons learned can be followed at any time. I’m learning to follow them now. 

I’ve been hurt several times this year and I'm grateful for it. I look nervously forward to the next heartbreak until there are no more. 

“Do you ever regret dating men who didn’t deserve you?” I asked my friend on one of our many phone calls. 

“No.” She said, “ I would’ve never learned what I wanted and deserved if I didn’t get hurt, I would’ve never developed enough tough skin to be okay with heartbreak.”

She got a happy ending.

The thing is- Im learning heartbreak forces you to meet yourself over and over again. So much so that you wake up one day feeling whole. You wake up knowing who you are and what you have to offer and then you meet someone who understands that wholeness and who loves it. Who loves you.

It can be a blessing to break. 

I wonder what Oprheus' future could’ve been if he didn't regret looking back. If he loved and accepted Eurydice’s forgiveness. If he understood the strength it took to love someone like he loved her? 

I guess we wouldn’t have the myth and I wouldn’t have the gift of knowing at 2 am- it is always better to be the version of Orpheus that looked back, instead of the one who regretted that he did. 

Lowam x